The Unwritten Rules Pets Expect Humans to Follow

Every pet household has rules.

Not the official ones.

Not the rules we create.

No. I'm talking about the rules. Their rules. 

The ones quietly established by the animals… and somehow manage to enforce them with complete and utter confidence.

If you live with pets long enough, you eventually realize something important:

You may be the human, but you are not entirely running the house.

Rather, you are a cog in a complex wheel. You are participating in a system of expectations that your pets have very carefully designed.

And keep in mind, agreement to them is completely irrelevant. Let's take a look at the rules! 

Rule #1: Companionship Required...at least when they require it

Check out the pic above. This is Molly. She's fast asleep. I took in Molly when she was about 16-years-old. She had long been a housecat and member of a loving family. However, both of her humans had recently passed, and she was perplexed. She was left alone with a neighbor dropping by to feed her every few days or so. This was not at all enough companionship for Molly. 

Before I could even let her out of the carrier, those neighbors were gone. I saw why when Molly greeted me. Her hind quarters were caked in feces...she was thin as a rail and had not been cared for at all. So, in fear of a 'refusal of delivery', the neighbors high-tailed it out of there. Meanwhile, Molly was talking up a storm.

Within her means, she was obviously sharing everything that she had been through. How she missed her humans but was very glad to meet me. 

So glad, in fact, that she allowed me to clear off the caked feces from her hindquarters with absolutely no objections. Further, Molly was so glad to be 'clean', after a bite to eat, she promptly fell asleep on me...and slept for hours. Which brings us to Rule #2... 

Rule #2: Once a Pet Falls Asleep on You, You May Not Move

This is perhaps the most sacred rule of all. It has been true with literally every pet I have ever had. 

It doesn’t matter:

• If the remote is out of reach
• If you’re thirsty
• If your leg has lost circulation entirely and you're seriously concerned you're going to lose it

No. If a cat or dog falls asleep on you, movement is prohibited. Your movement, that is.

Suddenly, you become less of a person and more of a mattress with emotional obligations.

And honestly? Most of us comply willingly. 

Whether it was Molly falling asleep snuggled up to the nape of my neck, or Cali...who is fast asleep on my lap as I write this...you are their human. Their Mama/Papa. And you're there so they can get real sleep--not the half-sleep with an eye open, mind you. No. Real hard-core sleep! 

Rule #3: Bathroom Privacy Is a Myth

Pets do not recognize “alone time.” Trust me. 

In fact, if you close the bathroom door, eyebrows are raised. Even more so than when I was thirteen! Because a closed bathroom door is often interpreted as:

• suspicious behavior
• emotional betrayal
• or an emergency requiring immediate supervision

Cats especially seem deeply committed to ensuring humans never disappear behind closed doors unsupervised.

Dogs tend to approach this like security detail.

Cats approach it like:

“Interesting. What are you doing in there… and why wasn’t I invited? Somethings up!”

Enter Neyland. Any trip to the bathroom...regardless of number, if you know what I mean...was promptly greeted with instant door scratching and crying. 

When I would let her in...as, of course, I did...she would quickly scope the setting. If my mission involved...oh, I don't know...the number two? Well, she would promptly make a nest in the garments that accumulated at her human's feet. It actually became her favorite bed. Which was particularly frustrating, because you undoubtedly remember Rule #2!

Next time? Three more rules to be mindful of when adhering to the House Pets Rules!